The Twilight of Diagnosis
Twilight – that time between the clarity of day and the murky darkness of night.
When I got diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) at 55, I was told by the doc that it was untreatable and uncureable and to just go home and forget about it. Once so much came online about it, I was able to get further but except for odd surgeries, cysts and hernias, it all seem to just go along without massive problems.
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29 January 2022
I really am very glad that I discovered these smart crutches. I got them in September as it was getting colder here in Maine. I immediately started looking for a way to tote things around like a cell phone as a purse just wasn't working out - throws off the balance and can bang the crutches. 
"All I have is a voice" is a quote from W.H. Auden. I was looking for a pithy way of saying my main thought this morning and stumbled on that quote. It's not just pithy but it is my full truth right now. As my body slowly (and sometimes dang quickly) betrays me, sometimes all I have left is my voice.
I have kept that voice depressed (yes, I have not spoken up as I wanted). Many that know me think all that I am is a voice, a mouthy old lady who just won't shut up. I have kept silent on too many things for way too long. 
Having the world slow down and turn to mostly online interactions only, I found this new world to be a mixed blessing. As my physical issues have increased over the past 5 years, it's been increasingly harder for me to get out and about easily. I'm also basically an introvert as well so withdrawing into semi-isolation is quite normal for me.
Then came COVID-19.
And my social life picked up. 
These troubled times are highlighting problems that even I was ignoring. I’ve had trouble shopping for years and with my new crutches, I’m better able to get in and choose what I want but then have issues because I can’t manage a shopping cart on crutches. ‘Tis a frustrating issue that’s turned in to a much larger dilemma. Now we can’t even be safe walking into a store. We are both at-risk seniors, meaning we’re home until this improves. 
I’m no optimist but my pessimist side stays in the background more and more. Recently, it’s been hard to maintain an even keel due to physical issues and then I suddenly realized something yesterday.
I am survivor. In that I keep going no matter what happens. I find it hard to believe life has to be this hard forever, but I’m not optimistic that it won’t either. So really not an optimistic or pessimist. I believe those labels are detrimental to our well-being even if you include realism as a third option. Instead, let’s talk about how you act on the feelings you have.